It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
