Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
