I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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