i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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