did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
