I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
