im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
