apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
