I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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