I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
