none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
