when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
