By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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