Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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