i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
