she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
