He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This toilet bowl is my home.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
