They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
