Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
