why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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