Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
