Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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