The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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