I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
