I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
