There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
