ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
