i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
