so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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