I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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