I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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