**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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