gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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