Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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