my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
