that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
