i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
