girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
