Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
