i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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