I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
