Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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