The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
