Little spoons don't ask big questions
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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