Umm I'm too high to move.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
