It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
