i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
