My liver just broke up with me...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
