My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize