Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
