matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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