I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
