The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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