Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
