he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Be still, my beating vagina.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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