Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
