You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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