a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
