I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
God I need to hump something, right now.
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