Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
