Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
