Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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