Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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