i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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