3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I feel like abortions should bother me more
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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