I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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