why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Say something about gay babies.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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